Wednesday, 12 May 2010

• Things Grown People Should NOT Wear

  Now on to the final segment of the series.
  
  Things GROWN People should not wear
  
  **Grills. The South is the main reason I actually have to list this. I believe that grills are synonymous with the Yuckmouth Syndrome. This refers to my expectations that if you are rocking grills, then your oral hygiene is probably lacking, thereby resulting in your breath smelling like onions, feet, and hot dog water. My imagination runs rampant on what the teeth beneath the grills look like (Flava Flav's face pops up and that is enough to have me shrieking).
  
  **Mullets. Unfortunately, I can't fully blame the South for this one. I've seen people in rural Illinois rocking it. Mullets are the WORST style known to man. They are for people who cannot decide whether they want long hair or short hair, so they decide to go with both (business in front, party in back). Every time I see a mullet, I just want to sing "Captain Planet, he's the hero, gonna take pollution down to zero...". I can't help it.
  
  

  **Crocs. These are probably the ugliest shoes ever, besides Uggs, of course. Yes, they are comfortable, but eff comfort. My vanity won't let me put on anything that looks like my foot is in the mouth of a swamp thing. I will give a pass to people in professions that require long periods of standing up. But once you are off the clock, take them off!! Only kids can get away with wearing Crocs, and even they sometimes know that they are in they look slightly off. We made my friend's 6-month old niece wear Crocs and she was not happy AT ALL. The usually goofy, giggling baby turned surly, and she spent the ENTIRE day hatching a plan to get them off. I'm not kidding. Check out the pic with her rubbing her feet together in an attempt to do away with them. (She ended up taking them off successfully after vigorous leg rubbing, and was thrilled with herself).
  
  
  

  
  
  **Socks & Sandals. Unless you have a condo in Boca Raton and play Bingo every Wednesday night with your posse with names like Gertrude, Esther and Wilbur, this should not even cross your mind. Really, no one should wear this. Not even kids (I would consider it a form of child abuse to subject your kid to this mishap). If the weather calls for sandals, then socks are not necessary, and vice versa. If you want to wear socks because you think your feet are not ready, then put on them loafers for one more day and go get that situation handled.
  
  **Crazy colored contacts. Since colored contacts have been on the market, I've been scared shitless so often by looking at people wearing them too fast. If you were born with deep brown eyes, there is no need to put on royal blue contacts. You don't look sexy. Just deranged. I've seen folks wearing contacts of all colors (red, cat eyes, green, purple) and it never fails to make me lose all my proclaim hard ass title.
  
  **Loud logos. Rocking a shirt that is free advertisement to Baby Phat, RocaWear and whatever designer is not what you should do past undergrad. Honestly, we know you are proud of the overpriced ish you are wearing, but your jeans and shirt do not have to have it in FLASHY letters, rhinestones and sequins. Congratulations, you're wearing GIRBAUD (yes, in '10). Your certificate of appreciation will be mailed to you in 6-8 week.
  
  Sidenote: I've even encountered a lady with the tattoo of the BabyPhat cat. I wonder if Kimora can sue her for copyright infringement, since she did not give her permission to use that logo anywhere, let alone on her person. Would be a hilarious case. This is a nice segway to...
  
  **Partner tattoos. I know when we are deep in love (or lust), we tend to have on sepia-toned glasses. But getting your partner's name etched on you permanently is not only bold, but hella hopeful. Let's face it, relationships come and go, but tattoos are forever. I do not think it is a grand romantic gesture to get partner tats. Long after you and the "Love of your Life" break up, that ink will still be there. Besides, I would not want my significan other to get a tattoo of my name because I'd feel to much pressure. My attention span would probably make me see my name on his arm, and be like "Umm... I've been thinking. This isn't working." Too much pressure. And if they were to suggest it, I'd chuckle nervously, get shifty eyes and say "Tattoo?? But babe, wouldn't a gold pendant with your name work too? (But I wouldn't wear it because who wears name pendants anymore??). Love can be shown in other ways. Ink ain't necessary.
  
  So what say ye? Did I miss anything that adults in general should avoid?

   

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